


I've been thinking...

by basicallyiwriteshit



Series: Discovering Me [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, M/M, Mentions of sex but no actual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 07:33:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4737929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basicallyiwriteshit/pseuds/basicallyiwriteshit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tadashi feels broken and doesn't know why. He eventually finds the reason, but the answer isn't as simple as he'd thought. Not when he has a normal, sexually-active boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've been thinking...

Tadashi had been thinking for a while. As he and Kei were getting more and more intimate, he was starting to worry about their sex life. It was true, Kei had more of a libido than him, but lately it seemed Tadashi's sexual desires seemed to be at an all time low. He'd never really had sexual thoughts before he and Kei started dating, and when he finally did have sex, he felt kind of numb to the idea. 

It wasn't bad, it wasn't good, it just was. 

And that's what worries him. 

He doesn't know what's wrong-- why he doesn't think like other teenage boys, why he feels no pleasure when Kei fills him up, or when he sucks Kei off. It worries him to no end. Was this how sex always was? Would it get better? Or was he stuck feeling numb for the rest of his life?

He feels sick, thinking about it. 

Tadashi knows he likes Kei -- he /loves/ Kei -- but he's not sure he likes Kei like Kei likes him. He'd never tell Kei that, though; he'd surely leave him, if he told him he didn't like sex. That's how guys his age were, love or not. Right? 

"Tadashi." 

"Tadashi, you ok? You look sick."

"Are you sick?"

"Seriously, are you sick?" 

Tadashi feels tears well up in his eyes as Kei rests a hand on his bare back. His hands are warm, like always, but the heat is too much right now and it's making him feel faint. 

"I'm fine, Tsukki, just tired. Sorry I wasn't much fun tonight," His laugh is nervous, and his eyes fall shut before Kei sees the tears threatening to fall. Kei hums, and pulls him down. 

"Then rest. You didn't have to if you didn't want to, dummy,"

"Sorry, Tsukki," 

Tadashi knows that this is a one time thing -- there's no way Kei would let him get away with not having sex. 

The thought keeps Tadashi awake, even once Kei's fast asleep. Why didn't he like having sex with Kei? Was it just Kei he felt like this with? Does that mean he didn't really love Kei? No, he loved him with all his heart. 

Then why was he so mixed up? 

The words 'asexual' comes like a heavenly glow, shining on him as he's researching something for a writing project. He doesn't know what anymore, but he'd somehow landed on a site with a whole ton of sexualities and he'd looked through all of them, studied the ones that best fit him. 

It takes a whole week after his discovery to deduce that he was asexual. 

He still doesn't tell Kei, though; he didn't want his boyfriend to leave him because he was suddenly rethinking their intimacy levels. Besides, not liking sex was his own problem, not something he had to torture Kei with. 

But the more and more Tadashi keeps it from Kei, the sicker he feels when he and Kei do have sex. On multiple occasions, he's burst out crying and had to cover it up with a lie. "I'm tired," or, "I just really can't believe someone loves me this much," usually work fine. Sometimes he has to pretend to be stressing out about school work, or he's feeling insecure, though. 

Tadashi feels stupid afterwards and apologizes for being so stupid, but Kei says he's fine. He wishes he really were; then he and Kei could love each other right. 

"Tadashi? Again? Are you sure you're ok?" 

"I- I'm fine," He was crying again, after they were done this time. 

"No you're not, you keep crying every time we...y'know...have sex,"

"It's nothing, really," 

"Don't lie."

"Really, Kei--"

"Tadashi."

...And he snaps. At this point, he'd been holding it in for weeks, too scared to tell Kei, and his questioning phase lasted months. He'd spent so long pretending that he just...Couldn't anymore. 

"I don't like sex, Kei."

"What?"

"I- I'm...Asexual... You p- probably don't know what that is, but... It's basically just me being selfish. I'm sorry, Kei, I'll stop crying I promise, just please don't leave me--"

Kei cuts Tadashi off by throwing himself at Tadashi, enveloping him in a hug. "Shut up, Tadashi. I love you no matter what," He whispers, and Tadashi can feel his warm breath on his bare collar bone. "You should have todl me, I would have understood."

Tears well up again. 

"I- I didn't want you to l..."

"I know. I know. But now I know, and I'm not going anywhere, ok?" 

"...Ok."


End file.
